Riding the Waves

People who know me, know that I always try to see the bright side of things. I keep it real, but with a positive twist. That’s my style with my family, friends and with my clients as a therapist. Recently, as we all are battling this pandemic, I personally am being forced to dig the deepest I have ever had to in my life. Most days I am left feeling defeated, hopeless, and quite honestly just done. I’m faced with the daily challenges of “How can I just survive the day?” and “How can I hold on to even a tiny piece of hope for the future?”

“You should enjoy the gift of time,” some say. “These are days with your kids you will never get back,” others say. While I can see the truth and value to that in theory, my daily reality is quite different. While trying to ride the waves of life, I’m experiencing more days where I'm trying to keep my head just above water, and others where I’m wondering if I have actually drowned. I try to balance working at home, teaching at home, maintaining a home, and staying connected to my family and friends which leaves me feeling overwhelmed most days.  While time moved quickly before and I longed for a pause button, now it seems to be moving fast forward at lightning speed and the days are just flying by right before my eyes.  And they feel like days lost. Days that we won’t ever get back. 

From speaking to clients and people in my personal life I know I’m not alone in these feelings. What we are experiencing is an extreme loss of the life we were living...an imperfect life, one we may have often complained about or wished for it to be different in many ways, but a life that was known. With a loss comes grief and with all the unknowns comes fear. Fear of illness, fear of losing financial security, fear of the loss of human interaction, and fears about  the world never being the same. 

 So now I feel like we are at a crossroad. We can give up and surrender to this grief and fear or, after sitting with these uncomfortable, heavy feelings for a while, find a way to heal and move forward in some capacity. There are many stages of grief, and I have hit them all multiple times, but at the end is acceptance. Acceptance that this is our new reality. Acceptance that our future life, and the ones we have dreamed of for our children and grandchildren, have now been altered forever. Does it mean in the long run it won’t be good in a different way or perhaps even better?  Only time will tell. Either way, in order to move on in some way we have to accept what we can control and what we can’t. We have to find a way to be just brave enough, even when we are terrified and have no strength left, to take baby steps forward and small risks to slowly rebuild our lives. I’m not sure what that looks like and the days ahead will most certainly be a roller coaster, but I do know that there are still desires and dreams of better days to come. To get to the other side of this we need to hold on to that hope and the will to just keep going.  After all, rock bottom is often the solid foundation on which one can rebuild their life.  Rebuilding is the next step for all of us. 

I know that there are many more difficult days ahead. There is no doubt that they will be physically and emotionally trying. I know there are still days that will feel impossible and hopeless. I also am able to see that there will be easier days ahead that will provide us with some relief and hope, even if it takes a lot longer than seems tolerable. Just remember, we are literally all in this together. You are not alone. Let’s keep riding the waves.